30 ways you know you are a mother…

To say life changes when you have kids is an understatement; in fact I can’t even remember life without mine.. and it was only 3.5 years ago! The other day I was in the kitchen making the kids dinner, when I caught myself engrossed in an animated rendition of the ‘Fireman Sam’ theme song. It got me thinking of just how much has changed since becoming a mum; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the hilarious. Here’s just a few (from personal experience)…

1. 6:30am is considered a ‘sleep in’
2. Spontaneity is as foreign to you as a ‘sleep in’
3. Your house is filled with Fisher Price toys, kids shoes, Duplo, loom bands, colouring pencils, and unidentified food (?) stains
4. You wake up looking forward to going to sleep that night
5. You spend all day thinking up creative ways you can sneak a nap whilst not leaving your child unsupervised (for fear of being reported by your neighbour to CPS)
6. Your boobs are moving south at such a rapid pace (after breastfeeding) that you are concerned in a few more years you’ll have to lift your dress to put your bra on
7. You know all the Wiggles and their songs off by heart; hell you even know the intricacies of their dating lives (FYI – Emma and Lachy are dating)
8. You know silence is not golden; but rather a horrible mess or accident in the making
9. You have tried 100 different play doh recipes online and still manage to f%^& it up
10. You have a secret crush on Jimmy Giggle
11. You have multi-tasking down to a fine art, and use ‘toilet time’ to scroll through Facebook, or send texts and emails
12. Pancakes, ABC Kids, and lots of coffee are now considered a typical “Sunday session”
13. You buy hand sanitiser and baby wipes in bulk
14. Your washing pile somewhat resembles Mount Vesuvius
15. It’s a good day if you can get to the toilet on your own… at least once
16. If you ever get time to yourself, you freak out thinking you have forgotten to do something
17. Happy hour is the hour after your kids go to sleep, and the hour before you do
18. You own every book on how to get your kids to sleep and still have no f$@&ing clue
19. Your creative outlet is Mister Maker
20. You know there is no such thing as a holiday with kids
21. Your idea of designer shopping is Seed, Milky, and Bebe
22. Lunch consists of left over Vegemite sandwiches and tiny teddies
23. You haven’t had a warm cup of coffee since giving birth
24. You conceptualise sexual innuendos whilst watching Thomas the Tank
25. You have mastered the art of the 30 second shower
26. You dream of Cotton On bringing out a line of fairy tulle dresses in your size
27. What excites you most about a ‘night out’ is wearing high heels, dangly earrings and a clutch
28. You are confident you’d make a great hostage negotiator  – seeing as your 3 year old gives you ample daily practice
29. Your handbag also doubles as a nappy bag, lunch box, suitcase, and toy box
30. The last time you slept through the night was at very least 2 years ago

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