30 things they don’t tell you about life after kids…

To say that life changes when you have a baby, is by far the biggest understatement.

Having a baby is a huge adjustment from life the we once knew; from spontaneous Sunday sippers, to an endless pit of washing, dirty nappies, and vomit….oh and of course – the most love you’ll ever feel in for life for anyone, or anything.

Here’s 30 things they don’t tell you about life after kids:

1. If you have had a natural birth, expect your nether regions to resemble road-kill for the best part of a month. Oh, and you probably won’t want to approach the shoulder stand pose in yoga…ever. again…or at least not in public.

2. You will have to plan to be spontaneous, have sex, read the paper, and to have a shower.

3. If you are breastfeeding, expect your breasts to be out permanently, and to somewhat resemble empty tube socks when you’re finished.

4. You will learn that there is a fine line between sleep deprivation and mental illness.

5. You may as well be a unicorn if you have had more than one child and escaped hemorrhoids.

6. There is no such thing as sick leave, annual leave, compassionate leave, or holidays… because your kids don’t give a crap about your emotional wellbeing.

7. Your idea of time out is to have a poo in peace… And you’ll learn quickly to capatalise on this precious alone time to scroll Facebook, shop online, and reply to emails.

8.  Date night now consists of Indian take away in bed watching Netflix, then falling asleep at 8.30pm.

9. You will have the uncanny ability to strike up ‘kid conversation’ with any other parent on the planet – even if they don’t speak English.

10. You haven’t truly been through shit, until your kids have had gastro

11. Your baby is going to fall off the bed, roll down the stairs, or get kicked in the head by their sibling. They will survive, and you will be able to laugh about it in the future – although at the time you will feel like the worst parent in the world.

12. It is best to give up the expectation of a clean house and clean car if you want to be happy.

13. You no longer have a complex about walking around naked in front of anyone; hell, even the Woolworths delivery bloke has seen your lady bits.

14. As a result of the above, very little embarrasses you.

15. You will forget your own name, before you forget the pain of labour.

16. There is no one (except for your own kids) who you can love and who give you the shits at equal intensity

17. What you saved on alcohol during pregnancy, you’ll make up for (and then some) after birth.

18. Multitasking takes on a whole new meaning as does crying over spilled (breast) milk

19. It is never a good idea to buy or rent a house with white tiles or carpet.

20. You will hear your mother coming out in you… especially catching yourself using phrases such as;  “there are starving children in the world”, “back in my day….” or “If I have to tell  you one more time…”

21. You can’t baby-proof everything.

22. It will take you a whole weekend to finish watching one movie, and over a year to read one book.

23. You will spend a fortune on toys, only to discover your baby prefers to play with the cardboard packaging.

24. If you can’t find your toothbrush, you’ve probably put it in the fridge next to the dishwashing liquid.

25. “Toot toot”, “beep beep” and “hello/hi” will become the most used words in your vocabulary.

26. You will do just about everything as a parent you swore you wouldn’t do before you had kids.

27. There will be lots of dirt, food, and unidentified stains on clothes that you will be too afraid to smell. Baby wipes and hand sanitizer will be staples.

28. You will judge other parents at some stage or another – then catch yourself doing the exact same thing the following month

29. You will lower your standards – especially when it comes to cleanliness, acceptable dress code, and sleep.

30. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will be so overwhelmed with love for this little person you have created – that all the above pales into insignificance!

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