I am in the final days of what may possibly be my last pregnancy (if hubby has anything to do with it!).
As my due date nears, I find myself overcome with mixed emotions; an overwhelming sense of sadness, gratitude, excitement, apprehension, grief, and wonder…
Sadness that this may in fact by my last child, last pregnancy, last squishy newborn baby. I am one of the few who just love (almost everything) about being pregnant, and birth. In fact, I would keep having babies just to experience this over and over again. To think this is such a small window of time in a woman’s life, and is only experienced a few times at most, I do feel a certain loss and sadness – which is inevitable if I was to stop at three children or ten.
The gratitude goes without saying; I am incredibly thankful that my body has carried three perfectly healthy babies full term without any complications, and minimum discomfort along the way.
Excitement of the impending birth – meeting our family’s newest love, observing the first interactions between my other children and this baby, and of how the birthing process will unfold (which is where of course some of the apprehension also sneaks in- when will I go into labour? how long will it be? will my midwives make it in time or will hubby have to deliver this one like he did our second?!! ). The apprehension is also of how an additional person will change our family dynamics, the relationship between my two children, between myself and my husband. How I will have time for it all? Will I be able to balance work with family life, and share my love and energy around not only my immediate family, but extended network of close friends and loved ones…. that thought in itself becomes too overwhelming – park for now!
I have only in the last week uncovered an underlying grief. The grief for the loss of the particular connection I share with this baby in the here and now; feeling their little body inside mine, a divine universal connection, and the feeling of true ‘togetherness’ that only a mother could ever feel with their unborn child. Although this connection will evolve to something greater and more tangible – I will never again have this very moment – with this child, or potentially another. I know as the time draws even closer, this grief will very soon be overtaken by excitement, so I know this is not something I will dwell on forever (hopefully!).
The wonder is many things; what is this little soul’s journey? who will they be? what lessons will I learn from them? what will his/her relationship be within our family? There are not many untapped things left in life that we cannot determine by research, science or technology. The miracle of the timing of pregnancy and birth is one of the few remaining untapped mysteries of life. Hell, we still don’t even know for sure how labour even starts, or doesn’t…..So I am left wondering right now… When and how will this all begin?
……. To be continued…